My friends, they love my intelligence
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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