and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
