Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
