Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
