my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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