toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
