tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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