We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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