Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
