so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
