I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
