we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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