I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
