please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
