My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
