why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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