It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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