This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
