dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
