Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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