and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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