you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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