I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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