I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
