i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
