why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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