oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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