listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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