I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
