Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
