tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
