just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
