Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
