it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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