Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
