the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
