even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
