atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
