Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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