well I can't set my house on fire every night
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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