I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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