Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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