I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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