I think I died a long time ago.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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