I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
