P.S. I can't hear my feet
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
