apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
