i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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