Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
