in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
