If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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